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  • Published: 23 October 2019
  • This is one of the hardest videos I’ve ever had to do. I’m finally opening up about my worst fear… death. I talk about how I dealt with the loss of my little brother while applying a look inspired by that same fear.

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Comments • 9 973

  • NikkieTutorials
    NikkieTutorials   3 months back

    *I love you so much...*

    • x.X Cute Potato X.x
      x.X Cute Potato X.x  2 weeks back

      If your little brother's spirit can vome watching over you. If you KNOW he is there. Watching for you. So can you. You can see him again on a friday. Believe me with this. My best friend visits me every friday..🖤

    • Jewels Brewner
      Jewels Brewner  3 weeks back

      For sure my next Halloween look. Sorry for ur loss and I'm happy that ur finding ur own way thru it. Ur wonderful and a very special person.

    • Louise Adayah Cerda
      Louise Adayah Cerda  2 months back

      Love you too 😍😘

    • Eva Bodil Lindsjö
      Eva Bodil Lindsjö  3 months back

      ❤️❤️❤️❤️I Knowl what you are talking about, Nikkie!

    • gee williams💓
      gee williams💓  3 months back

      💖💞💘💕💝💓💗

  • A K
    A K  2 hours back

    yaaaassss meth queennnn

    • Dazza 85
      Dazza 85  23 hours back

      There is no need to fear death when you accept Jesus into your heart. He gives everalasting life in heaven ❤

      • Craneyuri
        Craneyuri  2 days back

        Omg I’m completely same when I think about death. The anxiety and panic attack come suddenly to me. I’m relieved that the same thing happens to other people as well. Thank you for sharing Nikkie!

        • Annaliisa Amutenya
          Annaliisa Amutenya  2 days back

          Now it makes sense

          • Tina Cornac
            Tina Cornac  2 days back

            love you Nikkie, i suffered from death anxiety a lot and it wasn't until i went to therapy i realised how common it was. Mine stemmed from similar things, my therapist told me a good quote that said "more often people aren't afraid of death itself but dying after a life not lived" it comes from a great book called "starring at the sun" i just wanted to pass that on, if you're ever feeling death anxiety again its a book that really helped me through it!

            • Tessa Martin
              Tessa Martin  5 days back

              NikkieTututorials, we share the same worst nightmare. Everything you said was straight out of my mind, the void, emptiness. I love my loved ones so much, will I be without them? Will I miss them? We are energy and according to science energy cannot be destroyed. Is energy our soul? Where does it go? Do we float around in blackness? How do we just not exist? I could go on and on. It's nice to know someone shares the same fear and totally understands why it's so fearful. 💕 and I am deeply sorry for your loss. I lost both my brothers to suicide. I am glad you were able to escape it, you are a great person. Thank you so much.

              • J Shaw
                J Shaw  6 days back

                Watching after she came out adds a new level of insight into what she is saying.

                • Megan Duvall
                  Megan Duvall  7 days back

                  The only thing that make me feel comfortable about death is knowing that everyone is going to die that it not a personal thing it will happen to everyone u know and that just life

                  • S. ava
                    S. ava  7 days back

                    I’m honestly not scared of death and i have no idea what’s keeping me here tbh..

                    • Derick Halbrooks
                      Derick Halbrooks  1 weeks back

                      Seeing this video after your coming out, hearing you talk about the bullies, its all so relatable to me now. I love you so much Nikki.

                      • Julia Monk
                        Julia Monk  1 weeks back

                        @NikkieTutorials have you ever heard of the book Signs (from the universe) by Laura Lynne Jackson? Whether or not you really believe all she's speaking about, I think that book might give you a different perspective to entertain and might bring some peace as well <3 Xoxo It helped me a bit with my fear.

                        • bunnygirl718
                          bunnygirl718  1 weeks back

                          NIKKIE- Watch Near Death Experience videos. Videos of people who died and came back to life (resuscitated). You won’t be afraid of death anymore!!

                          • Skyler Wells
                            Skyler Wells  1 weeks back

                            I was the same way, the way you're describing it was definitely me. I got a phobia of death after my mother passed when I was nine years old. I wanted to kill myself, thousands of thoughts of how I would do it, when etc but the thought of nothingness, where would I be, what would happen what would I feel. Where would my conciseness go. I was scared shitless and that was the only reason I never did it.

                            • theEccollective
                              theEccollective  1 weeks back

                              I still wanna see you turn yourself into Dylan tbh 🤷‍♀️

                              • Darya Banshi
                                Darya Banshi  1 weeks back

                                I don’t afraid of death like turning into nothing. But I’m terrified about pain that you feel before. Your body and mind are in total suffering, it’s screaming : “It’s so painful! Stop it!”. I don’t afraid what’s going next, but time between dying and the end... It’s my personal nightmare.
                                I know that my family could cry and same stuff, but I won’t see it, and wouldn’t be able to help and support them. It’s sad, but true

                                • Edaaa _06
                                  Edaaa _06  1 weeks back

                                  I'm not scared of death at all I'm just scared of leaving while I'm not ready yet

                                  • Patti Charles
                                    Patti Charles  1 weeks back

                                    What's going on with the volume it gets low, it gets loud etc...

                                    • Nicolás Pastrana
                                      Nicolás Pastrana  1 weeks back

                                      ❤️🌹👑

                                      • Betty Bosz
                                        Betty Bosz  1 weeks back

                                        Watching this video and her coming out video. I can see the whole relationship between to

                                        • Amanda Akay
                                          Amanda Akay  1 weeks back

                                          I would have full on panic attacks about death when I was a kid. It felt like looking down a big spiraling black hole.

                                          • iris Nastasia
                                            iris Nastasia  1 weeks back

                                            Zoveel respect voor jou 💜

                                            • Stephanie Bouzounis
                                              Stephanie Bouzounis  1 weeks back

                                              I relate to this so hard dude.

                                              • Danielle588
                                                Danielle588  1 weeks back

                                                Wow nikki, I also have those thoughts sometimes. It is so scary to not know what will come next.. I really felt all your words. Thanks for sharing ❣️

                                                • Jenn Jones
                                                  Jenn Jones  1 weeks back

                                                  I am very scared to die. I don't want to be buried bc I don't want that to happen to my body in case I need it and I don't want the other option bc again I go back to I don't want that to happen to my body in case I need oh it. Also I've read in the Bible that your reunited with your loved ones, but then it also says you don't know anyone. It's left me very confused and scared!

                                                  • Gab E
                                                    Gab E  1 weeks back

                                                    I always thought that my brain was messed up and that I was the only one that felt that way. Wanting to commit suicide but holding out because of that fear of nothingness after. Laying awake at night in the dark on the verge of a panic attack thinking about what happens after and how it feels to die.

                                                    Thank you for this video. You gave me a sense of peace in a way. Everyday is still a struggle but it’s better than it used to be:)

                                                    • retrothecake
                                                      retrothecake  1 weeks back

                                                      I have thanataphobia it's not fun

                                                      • Marilyn McGladdery
                                                        Marilyn McGladdery  1 weeks back

                                                        Nikki you and your mother are amazing , love you girl x

                                                        • Lemon Star
                                                          Lemon Star  1 weeks back

                                                          I literally feel just the same about death, exactly the same

                                                          • Damia
                                                            Damia  1 weeks back

                                                            Teenagers by MCR. I don't know, you may relate. ✌🏻

                                                            • auber Ginity
                                                              auber Ginity  1 weeks back

                                                              only Nikki can tell good stories while doing make up

                                                              • Madison Deforest
                                                                Madison Deforest  1 weeks back

                                                                I have had the hardest time grieving over my best friend.
                                                                I sobbed for a year over one of our dogs dying. I literally couldn’t even say her name...
                                                                When my best friend died I struggle crying. And I want to. She was my best friend of 8 strong years. My number one girl. We talked every night. And I have to struggle to cry... really? But she hated me crying. Cause she would cry, and where she purposefully took her life I wonder if she doesn’t want me to cry over her, because she can’t stand me crying still.
                                                                So in some way that gives me a comfort. My mom says it’s because it’s so painful my brain protects me.
                                                                Now this isn’t me saying I’ve never cried. I have. But it’s just rare moments. And of course when I first heard the news. Anyway. Today is her 2 year death date. I miss her. I hope she is with me. I believe in more than nothingness.

                                                                • Britney Thurmeier
                                                                  Britney Thurmeier  2 weeks back

                                                                  Thank you for this so much... i just lost my little brother . This helps so much

                                                                  • Alexandra Shaw
                                                                    Alexandra Shaw  2 weeks back

                                                                    why do you say "haaaaalo" instead of Hello like everyone else?

                                                                    • Kelsey Darlene
                                                                      Kelsey Darlene  2 weeks back

                                                                      My great grandmother passed away a few years ago. We were pretty close, I mean i loved her greatly. I feel like i can still feel her or sense her sometimes... She loved white butterflies and sometimes during white butterfly off-season, i would see one hanging around, usually during, before, or after big and important things in my life. I think it's cool, i still see signs of her around.

                                                                      • Wendy Bee
                                                                        Wendy Bee  2 weeks back

                                                                        Nikkie we love you so much. We’ve got you now and tomorrow.

                                                                        • Conscious_Interrupted
                                                                          Conscious_Interrupted  2 weeks back

                                                                          I’ve been in the room when many of my patients have died. Death is sad and scary, but it’s also beautiful. There is something very comforting and relieving about watching someone who was suffering, or someone who simply just came to the end of their life, take their last breath. When people die they do not become “nothing”. They live on through the memories and impact they made on the world. That’s why in certain moments you can feel their energy. It’s so important for the living to focus on the impact they make while they are here, because that is how they continue to be present in the world after their physical body dies.

                                                                          • Caroline Cruz
                                                                            Caroline Cruz  2 weeks back

                                                                            If death was an angel , this is what it’d look like

                                                                            • Kaelie Ortega
                                                                              Kaelie Ortega  2 weeks back

                                                                              I'm scared of others death not my own

                                                                              • Michael Powers
                                                                                Michael Powers  2 weeks back

                                                                                You go to heaven or hell

                                                                                • iiSimply Fairy
                                                                                  iiSimply Fairy  2 weeks back

                                                                                  Well I mean, if you want to know about where you go for heaven you can always join a religion! I'm a Christian and I know not everyone believes in God but it makes death a wee bit less scary if you feel as though you go someplace when you pass away.

                                                                                  • Angry Marshmallow
                                                                                    Angry Marshmallow  2 weeks back

                                                                                    We need her to talk with Caitlin Dourghty at Ask A Mortician! 💖

                                                                                    • Amaya H.
                                                                                      Amaya H.  2 weeks back

                                                                                      When she started to talk about how she was really really insecure about everything, I just started crying. I know what that feels like and tears just started running...💗💗💗

                                                                                      • Amaya H.
                                                                                        Amaya H.  1 weeks back

                                                                                        Jenn Jones 💗💗

                                                                                      • Jenn Jones
                                                                                        Jenn Jones  1 weeks back

                                                                                        You will grow out of that! I'm sure your beautiful inside and out. Confidence is the best thing anyone can wear/have. I know it's easier said than done but you will get there! 💕

                                                                                    • Dora Cristal
                                                                                      Dora Cristal  2 weeks back

                                                                                      U shold look for a religion

                                                                                      • Mrs Green
                                                                                        Mrs Green  2 weeks back

                                                                                        This is so interesting I have a different understanding now after today's video

                                                                                      • msdarkstar1012
                                                                                        msdarkstar1012  2 weeks back

                                                                                        Oh my god! Death is my number one fear. I feel the exact same way! I attempted suicide when I was 19 and survived. The moment I woke up I was terrrrrrified of death.

                                                                                        • Little Bitch
                                                                                          Little Bitch  2 weeks back

                                                                                          @msdarkstar1012 no but people did think that

                                                                                        • msdarkstar1012
                                                                                          msdarkstar1012  2 weeks back

                                                                                          Do you think you are evil?

                                                                                        • Little Bitch
                                                                                          Little Bitch  2 weeks back

                                                                                          As gay, i committed/attempted suicide many times and yet im still alive i do that fear death because im the already the evil in the eyes of the people.

                                                                                      • Betsy/BA BF
                                                                                        Betsy/BA BF  2 weeks back

                                                                                        I used to be petrified of death. We lost our last baby, my husband of 23 yrs (my world), my mom and my best friend, all back to back in recent years. If I didn't have our 5 children to raise who need me, I would be with my husband. I am no longer afraid of death though. Either there is nothing or the man who protected me my entire adult life if there. The only thing I fear is losing one of my children. I will snap because I've barely been holding on with all my losses, especially losing my husband.

                                                                                        • Betsy/BA BF
                                                                                          Betsy/BA BF  2 weeks back

                                                                                          @Little Bitch I am Christian myself, though as just a human I can't say I know definitely if there is a God. Scientists say at least 10% of humans and all animals are gay, and that is probably a very low estimate. Do you really think God would make that many mistakes? A loving God would also not want that many people to not be happy or loved, so in no way do I see being gay or bi as a sin. You are who you are because you are suppose to be and because that is right. Find pride in that and in who you are. I am going to say this...and please hear it. My life has been shattered completely by suicide. Suicide in no way ends pain. It multiplies the pain times 1000 and gives it to the people you love the most, who then live with that insane level of pain for their entire lives every single day. That is not what you ever want. Work on loving yourself and treating yourself as you would treat a best friend, then you will realize your goals and your future will fall into place.

                                                                                        • Little Bitch
                                                                                          Little Bitch  2 weeks back

                                                                                          Im sorry for ur lost but same, as a gay/bi person i do that fear death because people already think im a sinner i attempted suicide many times and yet im still alive if People alway judge you for being who you were if i can't make my future in this world then maybe i can when i die

                                                                                      • Jade Brant
                                                                                        Jade Brant  2 weeks back

                                                                                        what is this self love camp you referred to and where can i sign up

                                                                                        • KANDN
                                                                                          KANDN  2 weeks back

                                                                                          I think that's somewhere in her country in Holland