How To Have the "What Are We?" Conversation

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  • Published: 19 January 2017
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    In this video, you'll learn how to ask the awkward "so, what are we?" question without seeming needy or scaring him away.

    Please post a comment on this video... I'd love to hear your thoughts about this topic!

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    As a sought-after dating and relationship coach for women and international speaker, Mat Boggs has helped thousands of women understand men, improve their relationships, and attract the relationship they want.

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    Related Topics:
    Dating Advice For Women
    Relationship Advice For Women
    Relationship Coach For Women
    Dating Coach For Women
    Dating, Relationships, understanding men, Dating Advice, Love Advice Relationship Advice, How Men Think, What Men Want, What attracts men, How to attract a man, how to create lasting love, how to know if he likes you, signs your man likes you.

Comments • 338

  • Mathew Boggs
    Mathew Boggs   3 years back

    Interested in receiving coaching from Mat? Click here: http://www.crackingthemancode.com/coaching

    • Travel Diaries by Gracie
      Travel Diaries by Gracie  4 weeks back

      Hi! I do have a quick question. When you are in a relationship does exchanging "I love you's"matter? thanks 😊

    • jojokuku
      jojokuku  3 months back

      When in a serious relationship should a man take financial responsibility of a woman?

    • Kiran Shekaran
      Kiran Shekaran  1 years back

      Mathew Boggs x

    • Rabia Ozkan
      Rabia Ozkan  1 years back

      Mathew Boggs-- I don't know what to make of my?? Like what are we???? He treats me good he spoon feeds me ice cream he says and does nice things for me he gets me little gifts. Then I ask for a little more of him and he gets defensive go figure?? I don't know what to think?? I break up with him on regular basis and still he comes back!! I can be really cruel when I do this but all this b.s. he wants to pull away after all we been through all this sh*t. I did the no contact thing for 2 weeks he came hesitantly back to me on his own. I gave no ultimatums I gave no special requirements. I love him unconditionally now. I would not ever tell him that for fear of what he might say!! I can't figure us out. I know he's trying to be a better person and evolve, not change him but aid him in his evolving as a human being and a man. I love him like a best friend we tell each other stuff we'd never tell anyone else. He's jealous and use to be BIG player. He's really super handsome and was a whore for years. I need answers I'm sick of being patient!! I will if I have to, but why am I so afraid to bring this topic up of " What are we?."

    • The Cowboy
      The Cowboy  1 years back

      Mathew Boggs - Do these rules apply if you're the guy?

      The reason I'm asking this, is because I've heard it said that you should not have those conversations, because it can make you look weak in the other person's eyes, like you are not secure enough to know when you're in a relationship, when you have that person or not.

      That being said, could you please do a video about how to define rules, when it comes to having a Friends with Benefits arrangement.

  • Charity Flores
    Charity Flores  1 days back

    What are we Mr. Takis H. 😂😂😂

    • Dads are people too
      Dads are people too  1 weeks back

      Women.....Do not EVER ask a man "so what are we?"
      He has a mouth and a mind and if he's a man and truly wants exclusivity with you, he knows how to ask. If he hasn't it means he's not ready and you shld be dating other men and keeping your options open, as it is obvious he still wants the option of dating other women. Don't get one-itis. If too much time has passed and he's not pushing for exclusivity?.......It's time to start being less available and do the slow fade. If he wants you he will pursue and pursue hard. Fact.

      • Joy Watson
        Joy Watson  3 weeks back

        We know that we are exclusive.. but we have been together almost a year, now he said he might move out of state?
        I am afraid to ask if we are going to do the long distance relationship.. yet we started out that way, because he was driving truck over the road.. now he comes home at night. We don't live together, he's across town. .and because his days are long we see each other on weekends and a day here and there

        • Arlene Agustin
          Arlene Agustin  3 weeks back

          This is a great tip. I've been with a "relationship" with this guy but i wasnt really sure "what are we" or where to stand.

          • K K
            K K  3 weeks back

            My guy has mental illness and one minute he says we’re together the next we are just friends who see each other and we need to work on the friendship and take it slow. We’ve been friends 20 years. How does this work when someone has mental issues?

            • Keylie Fashionista
              Keylie Fashionista  1 months back

              This is perfect!!!!!! Thank you.

              • Xnhl
                Xnhl  2 months back

                Interestingly enough, dating usually doesn't work with titles as they appear to do in the US. We usually have a casual conversation about this at some point, but that's that.
                I'm in my first relationship over here, in which *he* actually talked about titles. Maybe bc, at our our age we've all got some baggage, but it still feels strange to me.

                • Potterheadtexan Studios
                  Potterheadtexan Studios  2 months back

                  Ive gone out a few times with a guy & we've held hands before but we're not realy official? Im confused.

                  • yajaira castellanos
                    yajaira castellanos  3 months back

                    thank you loved this video

                    • Delia Naurah
                      Delia Naurah  3 months back

                      Actually my 'exclusive' friend keeps saying that we're friends but recently he's been talking about marriage stuffs which confuses me

                      • Stevi Edwards
                        Stevi Edwards  4 months back

                        I know this was a couple years ago but I am curious because how this kind of conversation popped up was kind of in a venting subject about some family issues that I've been having; which the guy that I am seeing knows 90% of all my life issues, he asked I told lmfao; I just blurted out on how the conversation was going between my family member and I were talking about and it so happened to be on this topic then I stopped then said to the guy with a apologetic look on my face " not to place any amount of pressure on you, I mean, I really do not know where we stand, I would no mind being your girlfriend with you but that is entirely up to you. I am ok with wherever we are at."
                        when I said this I've noticed he breath was little quick then he calmed down and replied " I would say we're close friends but can't say we're dating" I just looked at him with a 'really what do you think we're doing now' look on my face, he chuckled nervously then said " OK we're certainly seeing each other." I simply nodded with a warm smile. This happened somewhere towards the end of July and we've been dating since end of June. For this month it's been a little rough but we are still seeing each other and I would like to say that we've grown more sense then.

                        • Lilian Oliveira
                          Lilian Oliveira  4 months back

                          Wow Math, I love your videos but this one was really disappointing. Women should have their power too and not let it in the men hands to decide that. What!?🤦🏽‍♀️👎🏼👎🏼👎🏼

                          • Jacqueline
                            Jacqueline  5 months back

                            This is brilliant!

                            • Arachnid
                              Arachnid  5 months back

                              There are people saying that if you have to ask it means he is not serious but I think it depends. There was guy I dated who I asked and he ended up becoming a very serious and committed boyfriend. However even before that, he had started acting like a boyfriend by being the for me etc. I think he was just shy. I don't think it is about who asks the question rather the guy's personality. If you ask and he accepts but becomes a shitty boyfriend, well there is your answer, billions of men left.

                              • Steve Zali
                                Steve Zali  5 months back

                                I just got helped with my relationship thanks to tose guys: http://www.surgicalcoaching.net/. It changed my life :)

                                • peacefull eagle
                                  peacefull eagle  6 months back

                                  is a guy wants exclusity with you the woman should ask are you ready to fill my cup with love and attention.

                                  • Stephy Bartlett
                                    Stephy Bartlett  7 months back

                                    Thankyou soooo much!!! I need to have this conversation with this guy I’ve been dating so this is really helpful in preparing myself

                                    • Emily
                                      Emily  7 months back

                                      My fiend likes my brother... which I’m fine with! And now she wants me to watch videos for her😂😂🤷🏻‍♀️

                                      • Lava Yuki
                                        Lava Yuki  7 months back

                                        One way is to see what he introduces you as to his friends/ family. It avoids asking directly or having to talk about it

                                        • Anatolia Dse
                                          Anatolia Dse  8 months back

                                          I’m so sure he doesn’t feel the same way... should I still tell him or just move on?

                                          • Lisa
                                            Lisa  8 months back

                                            Is it necessary to do this if his actions show we're in an exclusive relationship and he's called me his girlfriend in a non direct way?

                                            • Adela
                                              Adela  8 months back

                                              Thanks for the advice :)

                                              • Write Art
                                                Write Art  8 months back

                                                Are we talking about adults here?

                                                • Lauren R
                                                  Lauren R  8 months back

                                                  thanks so much mathew. this really helped.

                                                  • Nimashi Abeyrathna
                                                    Nimashi Abeyrathna  9 months back

                                                    Where are you my Man😊😊

                                                    • Phoenix Layne
                                                      Phoenix Layne  10 months back

                                                      LOL...I poured my hear out & told him how much I love him after 6 yrs of "whatever it is we have" He said "I wanted a relationship with you in the beginning...but you seemed to only want me for sex" I almost lost it!!! " OH NO! DO NOT turn that back on me, I was so DAMAGED, you were constantly ghosting me..which gave me space as NOT TO PUSH YOU HARDER AWAY! AND I wouldn't RUN away as usual. HAD YOU TOLD ME that...we could have talked about everything, what you wanted & what you expected & vice-versa" I found out on the 7th of Jan 2019...he was "engaged to another chick" then on the 11th they broke up because he "caught her cheating on him" thenon the 18th he was engaged to a 27 yr old!" I have NEVER BEEN so DEVASTATED like that b4...I NEVER SAW THAT COMING!!! & I have been grieving...it is like someone died SUDDENLY..that someone was "ME"
                                                      Can YOU HELP?" NOW he comes back around on Feb 13th...I answered the phone & I was crying...he said "I haven't talked to U n a while...I miss you." I fell for the BULL SH^^! He came over, was here about 45 minutes & left...he blew up my phone on the 18th, 19th, 20th, & 21st...He again came over & was here about 45 minutes & left. I CANNOT GO THRU HIM "LEAVING ME AGAIN" I have secluded myself away from the world & I call in SICK to work at least 2 times a week..........I can't seem to get motivated to "DO ANYTHING BUT CRY"
                                                      H E L P !!!

                                                      • Kate Kate
                                                        Kate Kate  10 months back

                                                        And when he says that he doesn’t want to formalize the relationship, that it is fine like it is? Do I just accept it? Do I start seeing other men? Do I tell him that I am seeing other men?

                                                        • Dads are people too
                                                          Dads are people too  1 weeks back

                                                          If he doesn't want to formalize it then you aren't exclusive and aren't in a relatuonship, you are in a datingship and you shld still be seeing other men. But I wldnt tell him that. Just go about your life like he is just someone else you are dating. If he fears losing you he will man up and declare his intentions.

                                                      • Normajean757
                                                        Normajean757  10 months back

                                                        He said working on us. How to respond to that?

                                                        • Miriam Herndon
                                                          Miriam Herndon  10 months back

                                                          Now that's smooth!

                                                          • GayleneFlower
                                                            GayleneFlower  11 months back

                                                            That was the WORST advice ever!! when mentioned to him that i had an awkward question, the friend line,etc... He said"Why are your friends questioning your business? This isn't high school!" "You have to talk to your friends about this?"Stop pushin me!" Then "Well, what doYOU think our status is?" Then, I said something about maybe I wasn't his type, etc...and he became REALLY mad and went to bed-told me I could leave if I wanted to. Worst advice ever... and another lady on YouTube is copying you and giving the same advice.... wow hang it up dude

                                                            • ishita luthra
                                                              ishita luthra  11 months back

                                                              so i have this question how early is too early to ask what are we question ?

                                                              • Parastou Kiani
                                                                Parastou Kiani  12 months back

                                                                I wish I would’ve watched this video before blowing my chances with my I don’t know to call him “ex” now or what! I stuck in a very awkward situation which I’d like to have your opinion in a one-one coaching session!

                                                                • Pola
                                                                  Pola  12 months back

                                                                  Research by David Buss shows that when a woman starts the "What are we" conversation, a man starts to see her as a low-status woman. The same happens when a woman initiates a conversation about marriage. But there is a solution to make the right guy commited - date as many men as you can fit into your schedule (without getting sexually involved, of course) until HE asks you to be exclusive.

                                                                  • Johana Onderková
                                                                    Johana Onderková  12 months back

                                                                    Did this and it actually worked! I asked him and he said that he could ask me the same question 😂 but then he said yes!

                                                                    • Madeline Brigit
                                                                      Madeline Brigit  12 months back

                                                                      I'm so glad i found this video. There's this guy at school, we hang out all of the time, go everywhere together, make excuses to be together, and do dating things like to the movies. We're not officially dating but i do like him and everyone else is even betting on when we're gonna start dating. After seeing this, I'm gonna ask about it either in the class the most betting is in or after/during the movie.

                                                                      • dcstapley
                                                                        dcstapley  12 months back

                                                                        So, how about when your little niece springs “are you auntie’s boyfriend” on him, he says “yep”, and then after she leaves informs you he was “just giving the easiest answer for a 4 year old?”

                                                                        • BigSistahTips
                                                                          BigSistahTips  1 years back

                                                                          Girls... I’ve been seeing a guy for 3 weeks very often already and he introduced me to his parents and friends (just introduced me) plus I talked to mine about him because he felt it was unfair of me not to do that. Since I’m from Argentina and he’s from New Zealand I don’t know if this is a difference between cultures or if he’s playing with me, but, we plan things ahead and we do commit to this plans. But then, during the week he ignores me completely. He may text me from time to time but very cold, yet when we set a date, we do go out and behave like a couple. He also asked me to go to Argentina to meet my family and friends . He’s very sweet and kind, and very honest, but this “ignoring” thing is making me uncomfortable. Like, he recently asked me how my day went and after I answered I asked him how was his and he didn’t answer... wtf? And then texts me the day after like nothing happened. I don’t know, it’s only been 3 weeks, I don’t wanna be pushy, that’s why I’m asking before confronting him. He’s really sweet and I don’t want to mess this one up by being too needy. I come from a 10 year shitty relationship and from what I’m starting to see he’s the kind of person I want and need right now. Honest, responsible, kind, funny, protective.
                                                                          Don’t know how to approach him and tell him what I want without sounding too needy. Help, please?

                                                                          • BigSistahTips
                                                                            BigSistahTips  1 years back

                                                                            Aldana nada, me dijo que no quiere nada serio pero que no quiere dejar de verme... en fin. Al menos ahora sé que la puedo pasar bien sin preocuparme y tener mis frentes abiertos tranquila. Pero admito que me dolió el ego un poco jeje. Igual después me mando mensajes hablando de que lo reconecté con sus sentimientos y eso. No sé, no voy a negar que en el fondo me gustaría que eventualmente se dé... pero qué se yo.

                                                                          • BigSistahTips
                                                                            BigSistahTips  1 years back

                                                                            Aldana seh. Pasa que me presenta a su familia y me dice de pasar año nuevo juntos y de querer conocer a mi familia y después desaparece así. Y yo re fría hasta que me pidió que le diga qué onda yo y bueno, me deje llevar y le correspondí.
                                                                            Me parece hasta de mala educación. No quiero que me escriba todos los días ni definir la relación. Pero tratarme con frialdad de onda me parece una forreada gratuita. Obvio que le hablaré bien y todo, pero no puedo tolerar que me forree.

                                                                          • Aldana
                                                                            Aldana  1 years back

                                                                            Hola! Ya sé que pediste una respuesta de Mat pero vi que eras de Argentina y quería contestar jaja. La semana pasada tuve el mismo problema con el chico con el que ando saliendo.. y la verdad es que, si no te escribe a diario o te deja colgada, pasa 1 de 2 cosas: o está realmente ocupado y aunque te piensa no tiene tiempo, o la verdad si la pasa bien con vos cuando salen y eso pero te toma más como una amiga con beneficios... Porque el hombre es básico en eso, si te tiene en su cabeza te escribe y te busca aunque vos ni le hables.
                                                                            Podés tenerle paciencia y esperar o preguntarle si le pasa algo, si las cosas andan bien, si anda ocupado, etc.

                                                                        • JDTravelLife
                                                                          JDTravelLife  1 years back

                                                                          https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ErZO6eeJs6o&feature=youtu.be

                                                                          • j0st iris
                                                                            j0st iris  1 years back

                                                                            THANk YOU

                                                                            • Tatijana Caldrmoska
                                                                              Tatijana Caldrmoska  1 years back

                                                                              Hi, i like a guy and we've been been close friends for five months now. I don't know how to express my feelings to him, please help me and give some advice on how to tell him

                                                                              • writerspen010
                                                                                writerspen010  1 years back

                                                                                2:15 - That literally happened with me and my new bf yesterday xD

                                                                                • Ashley Dennis
                                                                                  Ashley Dennis  1 years back

                                                                                  I’ve had this conversation with a guy I’ve been seeing for 5 months. He basically said he adores me and agreed we are exclusive, however, he did have a caveat and that was he doesn’t like labels and that the last two relationships he had were terrible. Though, to note, he had agreed I may call him my boyfriend to reduce any awkwardness with my father when he meets him. (Confusing, right?)
                                                                                  He is incredible, he makes future plans with me, I’ve met all of his closest friends, and he is affectionate with me in public a lot. I genuinely think he wants to be with me.
                                                                                  I still worry though - I’m trying to be understanding and just enjoy my time with him regardless of the label. What are your thoughts?
                                                                                  Is this his way of being noncommittal so he has the freedom to leave anytime, or do you think he genuinely just doesn’t like labels?

                                                                                • rr ucha
                                                                                  rr ucha  1 years back

                                                                                  ah this is exactly what i experience right now, i’ve known this guy for almost a year but we live far from each other although we text everyday he always the one who contacted me first, and the last few months we get more intense, we’d visit each other on our free time he let me stay at his place whenever i visit. but i really don’t know what are we sometimes it feels easy sometimes it feels very casual but he’s always nice and pursue me first. and few weeks ago he didn’t text me for few days (not the first time, he did that sometimes like when he’s at work - he works away in the dessert- or when he went on vacation but i usually understand that bcs i thought he would be busy) and i get tired of waiting and having the same circle, so i brought it up to him and told him that he needs to figure out what he wants and i would take some space. he was surprised but he didn’t exactly give me “the answer” although he suddenly text me every little thing he did and always wanted to call, and being two times nicer. but still i don’t know what are we and am frustrated 😥

                                                                                  • Agnes Holiness
                                                                                    Agnes Holiness  1 years back

                                                                                    Met My Boyfriend i april 2018 and he is Crazy about me .
                                                                                    He give me almost Authority on his belong 💖💪 but Im not Good for him 😂

                                                                                    • sanchi ohri
                                                                                      sanchi ohri  1 years back

                                                                                      What if he says he dnt knw....or he ll think abt this in future...or he is afraid if we get into reltnshp thn might gt hurt....or he needs tym....guide plzz

                                                                                      • Sunshyne84
                                                                                        Sunshyne84  1 years back

                                                                                        sanchi ohri then you have to decide how much more time you’re willing to invest

                                                                                    • Jessica Jackson
                                                                                      Jessica Jackson  1 years back

                                                                                      Ok so it's been 9 months since we needed now during the 5 months I was seeing this guy everything was great so my approach was it's been an amazing 5 months and not that I'm pressuring you or us but I'll like to know Where do we stand are we exclusive, just friends or What? understand it's no pressure but I'm very happy with you and it feels amazing so he says " It sounds like pressure😳😳😳I couldn't believe him I was lost for words..I've never pressured a man to be with me I'm extremely confident in myself so I said hold up I'm not pressuring you at all.
                                                                                      so 5 mins late he's like Lol call me once you're off work..shocking I was hurt because I didn't pressure him I simply asked a question. I didn't see anything wrong when he's pursued me saying things like he trust me, finally you came along, being there emotionally for me I mean just everything so he called me and once we started talking...I made it clear I've never pressured or begged a man to be honest with me so he says I didn't call to talk about that I simply want to know How you're doing 😳😳I threw my hands up...while I tried to end the convo he started talking about everything but the main question...so I left him alone and wish him well but I do miss him but I know something better will come along.

                                                                                      • The Vegan Villainess
                                                                                        The Vegan Villainess  1 years back

                                                                                        I just say he's my boyfriend, lol. But I think I need to double check if that's what he really wants. We've been dating for two months now. Maybe I'm just very assertive in my relationships as a woman, lol 😂

                                                                                        • Eva L
                                                                                          Eva L  11 months back

                                                                                          Zone 9 LOL